Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Being Ana

Lately I feel like I'm a different, but vaguely familiar, person to who I have been for the past decade or so. I think I'm rediscovering the real me, buried under years of working too hard, sleeping too little, being too anxious and sad and exhausted, to really have much of any personality at all.

Maybe its also age, and giving way less of a fuck what others think. Or my kids growing up and finding a bit of space outside the constant subversion of my wants for their constant, all-consuming ones. Or feeling a much more stable foundation in my marriage and my mental health, upon which I can actually branch out, and grow. 

Probably its a combination of all those things. But its definitely a good thing. 

I've been way more extroverted. Just this month I've planned several social outings as a family, a couple, and myself with friends and colleagues. Last weekend we went to a neighborhood picnic and I mingled and had a blast. We invited other friends over for dinner Sunday. And that was after a mid-week BFF happy hour. Next weekend a triple dinner date and then a concert with G. I got a group of colleagues together for a drink Thursday evening.  I bought plane tickets to visit friends down south this summer for 3 nights, solo. 

I'm reading constantly and unapologetically. 3 books going at any time---phone/kindle/"real" book. Trying new music after years of promising to without actually committing, and excited about seeing more concerts. Instead of trying to plan things every minute of the weekend to stay out of the house, I'm enjoying our time at home. There is puttering. I missed puttering. It leads to ideas, and creativity, and conversations that sometimes just need space to evolve. The constant need to DO DO DO was driven at least in part by my fear of stillness, and the thoughts and feelings that would invade.

Writing it out it seems minimal and pretty mundane, but life certainly feels different. And better. 

10 comments:

  1. It sounds wonderful to me. Nice balance. Glad you're feeling better.

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  2. Sounds like magic, not at all trivial...

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  3. You and me both. I'm the same yet changed. Must be age. 😉

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  4. Yay for zero f**** given!! So happy you're happy. You just inspired me to maybe see about doing a road trip to see some friends also when we visit my parents this August.

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  5. This post makes me happy. It's good to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I definitely have felt some of the pressure ebb as I've gotten older and learned to give less fucks, as my kids have gotten older and learned to (sometimes) manage their own shit. My marriage is also fairing better than it used to, probably due to both those things and our own developing skills in dealing without issues and each other.

    It's easy to not write a post like this, so thank you for putting it out there. Thank you very much.

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  6. Amazing. I have a feeling older kids may be a big part of it! People discount the drain that toddlers/preschoolers have. Your sleep is better, your family interactions are more fun, and you have more space to be you! So glad to hear such a happy post :)

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  7. I am so behind on blog commenting/reading, but this is so awesome! I agree with Sarah that having older kids is part of it.

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