So...yeah...not the best holiday weekend. Didn't help to wake up to blog and FB posts galore of FUN TIMES! FAMILY & FRIENDS! BBQ FIREWORKS PARTIES! WHOO HOO! Nothing like holidays to cause major FOMO when you weren't actually invited to any parties, and the fireworks are just too late and too crowded and too loud and were desperately counting down the end of the excess family togetherness but also dreading another looming work day full of annoyances and insurmountable hurdles.
It was a combination of many factors this weekend. It was sort of cool and gray and rainy---which is refreshing & delightful overall, but the kids weren't in the mood to go swimming or play in the fountains when there was a definite chill in the air. My MIL had a major tantrum Saturday about the fact that we planned for her to visit for only 2 weeks this summer because somehow she had it in her head that she was coming for an entire month (or the whole summer? unclear what she thought or why she thought it). Histrionics, tears, shouting, guilt-trips, multiple phone calls, enlisting other family to call, etc... and finally we compromised on 3 weeks. Which, ugh, in and of itself, but UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH how she did it, so that it ruined our freaking day and made me so anxious I could barely eat. We were debating between 2 and 3 weeks ANYWAYS so if she was reasonable & conveyed her thoughts & feelings to us respectfully...but never mind, she is bat-shit and there is no point analyzing her behavior.
Then there was G who "needed a break" from "doing things together" when I tried to plan family outings. I did give him the break---most of Sunday and some of Monday. He worked on a long long procrastinated project, and indeed he was refreshed and ready to take over again by Monday evening. He took the boys out so I could get my break (which consisted of cathartic crying, drinking wine, and watching Gilmore Girls on the iPad). And of course the boys themselves who were in spectacular form, just so sweet and adorable...and chock full of complaining and whining and "bad words" (not real bad words, but words we don't want them to say, like "stupid" and "what the HECK?!") and general grumpiness. It is exhausting to deal with bad attitudes all day long. Just so freaking exhausting. I yelled more than I want to think & delivered many pointless lectures about the importance of positive attitudes and seeing the bright side and letting things go. And that is conflicting for me. I certainly don't want to tell them to put a smile on and stuff their feelings inside...but sometimes I do...just for an hour or two? Can they just PRETEND that something isn't "boring" and "yucky"? There were consequences, like no screen time, which hurt US as much as it hurt them.
Oh and also? Sunday---I packed lunches and took the boys to the dinosaur museum, to have a picnic lunch near the fountains, to the library to return & get books and got them signed up for summer reading program which involved prizes & books, and then to the best gelato place in town for a treat. G took them out for an hour to a park (also got them ice cream). And I hear: "The best part of the weekend was going with Daddy. I LOVE going places with you, Daddy!" Also today I heard from B "this was the worst 4th of July ever, because we didn't see fireworks" (as IF we would do fireworks in our tiny backyard! I like having 20 digits on each of us! And the poor doggy was already besides herself! or that we would take them to the crazy crowded city concert/fireworks that didn't end til 11pm...in the RAIN?!)
I am postponing...for the second time...a grant submission til the next cycle. I just don't have my preliminary data, supporting manuscripts, or ideas/research plans together enough for this resubmission to be remotely successful. If it was just me, I'd go ahead and submit it anyways, but I really don't want to wear out my welcome with my collaborators and consultants by asking yet AGAIN for letters and CVs and such when I KNOW I can (and WILL) have a better package to send out in a month or two. But UGH. I feel like its my own damn fault for procrastinating and not being efficient and productive. Its a downward spiral of shame/guilt that is so unhelpful---I feel bad about not being productive, and the feeling bad leads to feeling so overwhelmed that I freeze and become even LESS productive.
And while I'm at it...I've also gained weight and my clothes feel uncomfortable and my hair is growing out and looks like total crap (but I have no room in my budget for another salon haircut and NO I'M NOT CUTTING IT MYSELF). Also, while I got many compliments on the short cut, it was too maintenance heavy for summer; I can't blow dry & straighten it every time we go to the pool or get caught in a thunderstorm. I keep getting up early to meditate and no matter how early I get up, someone comes downstairs right when I'm finishing up my coffee and ready to turn on my meditation app.
Yes I know this is cranky and ranty. I'm not in the best mood these days. To top it off my therapy session has been cancelled TWICE, from Friday to today and now next Friday (supposedly!) and I was really really really looking forward to having someone to talk to about all this.
I'm coping by going to the gym (I missed bodypump on Saturday even though I planned so well for the 9:30 class. because it was at 9), going outside as much as possible, and binge watching Lost after the kids are in bed (its so good! I had no idea!). Also wine.